Mickeys

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss , press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons.
You’ll just mess it up.

Men are just happier people—

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress R5000. Tux rental-R200.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is R18.95 for a three-pack.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

The wife was very upset about this and asked: ‘Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?’

Maria: ‘Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.’
The first is that I iron better than you.’
Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband said so.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.’
Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband did.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..’
Wife (really furious now): ‘Did my husband say that as well?’
Maria: ‘No Señora, the gardener did.’
Wife: ‘So how much do you want?’

Husband: You know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I’ve still got mine with me

Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.

Wife : Dear to day I had been to our family doctor. He told me that we should have vacation for one month for better health. Shall we go to Switzerland or States?
Husband : we will go to another doctor

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday !!

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That’s why I say she’s no good!!

Manager: Sorry, but I can’t give u a job. I don’t need much help..
Job Applicant: That’s all right. In fact I’m just the right person in this case. You see, I won’t be of much help anyway!!

Man: Officer! There’s a bomb in my garden!
Officer: Don’t worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it..

The preacher says “Anyone with needs to be prayed for, come forward, to the front at the altar,”.

Sipho gets in line, and when it’s his turn, the preacher asks: ” Sipho, what do you want me to pray about for you.”

Sipho replies: “Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.”

The preacher puts one finger in Sipho’s ear and he places the other hand on top of Sipho’s head and prays and prays and prays, he prays from his heart for Sipho, with tears in his eyes.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, ” Sipho, how is your hearing now?”

Sipho says, “I don’t know, Reverend, my hearing is only next Wednesday ..!”

LONDON (Reuters) – The world’s oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests toilet humor was as popular with the ancients as it is today.

It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

It heads the world’s oldest top 10 joke list published by the University of Wolverhampton Thursday.

A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second — “How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.”

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons — “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before? Answer: A key.”

“Jokes have varied over the years, with some taking the question and answer format while others are witty proverbs or riddles,” said the report’s writer Dr Paul McDonald, senior lecturer at the university.

“What they all share however, is a willingness to deal with taboos and a degree of rebellion. Modern puns, Essex girl jokes and toilet humor can all be traced back to the very earliest jokes identified in this research.”

The study was commissioned by television channel Dave. The top 10 oldest jokes can be viewed at www.dave-tv.co.uk.

taken from Reuters

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
“Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”

The wife, lying in bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t
such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.”

The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize
I was talking to the sheep.”

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife,”When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. 

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there – dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said:

“Wait just a moment!”

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,  “Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied,  “Listen, I’m a Christian;  I cannot go back on my word.

I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife.

“I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a Cheque… If he can cash it, then he can spend it.”